His Love and My Weirdness

Do you ever feel like a stupid misfit?

I do.

My gosh. I feel like I am wired so differently from main stream. Christmastime only exacerbates these painful thoughts.

I will spare the details of why I feel so out of place, especially this time of year; it is not the point of the blog. Suffice to say, more often than not, I see myself as a square peg in a very round holed society.

Christmas is always difficult. How society celebrates, decorates, and gives/buys is counter intuitive for me.

This year, instead of getting supremely depressed, like I usually do, I have been battling, with HIS power, all those thoughts.

"Daddy, Father, You made me the way I am. NO ONE is weird to You. So I really need Your help. HOW can I celebrate this season that is in line with who I am; a way that is comfortable, not forced?"

Often, instead of remaining still, before the Father, when we are feeling vulnerable and insecure, we clutch a concentrated focus on those around us. We compare. Or we squeeze ourselves into perceived expectations. And, voila, we fall short.

All the while, our Father, who created every unique cell in our body, is whispering. "Hey, daughter/son, I have an idea. I have a plethora of ideas for you. In fact, I have unparalleled schemes ONLY YOU can fulfill. They are so excitingly individualized that I am about to pop a gasket in longing to tell you. But you are too busy looking left and right and feeling out of place. Seek Me. Wait. I will show you."

Oh. I want to get better at waiting on that voice.

I get too discouraged, impotent and, frankly, depressed because I consciously and unconsciously insist on comparative analysis. *sigh* Instead, I seek to wait on the tornado breath from above, that instills peace and confidence that my seeming freakishness is designed for something exciting. And that plan is what fits me: no one else There is only one of me. This means I am an over the top conduit through whom He seeks to manifest a piece of the kingdom.

If I force myself to be like everyone else, or get so down that I am not like everyone else, I will miss the bulls eye of ME.

So this Christmas, after two weeks of struggle, I received some ideas that fit me. They are far from main stream and almost void of any huge expenditure or extreme busyness. But they feel right: hand in glove simplicity yet replete of my personal way of displaying love to those I want to bless.

"Thanks so much, Daddy, Father. So so much. As You are patient with me, I will move further along in embracing who I am rather than bemoaning it. If I can make it past Christmas with this monumental change of heart and accept my way of celebrating, I can make it through anything like this as it's been such an "eye sore" to my soul for many many years."